To the feeling with no name

To the feeling with no name,

You. You are the worst of all feeling. And I cannot quite remember when I first felt you. Its funny, because everybody else continuously hits me with their mental health statistic. I had my first panic attack at 13. I am 2 months clean of cutting. I got diagnosed with anorexia at 15 years old. statistics. We love them. Yet there just isn’t one for you, and I am sorry. Because most things make sense when given a statistic on the side. And I guess, that’s why you just don’t make sense to me.

There isn’t even anything that could have caused you to be here, you got no invite. No trigger. I didn’t turn you on, but I wish I did because I would know why you were here, then I could turn you off. You just rolled up, you saw my happiness and you stole it from me, no invite, no reply slip. You just fucking turned up, and like an unwanted guest I just can’t seem to steer you to the exit. And I hate you for it. Because now, I am never alone.

You have been here rather a while now, lingering. I like we have bonded somehow. I have familiarised myself to you. I know when you will be at your worst, I know how to make you appear, I know how often you like to ruin me. I know you are a part of me. I know that when I am alone you get more vibrant, I know that when I am with people, you spill over. I know that happiness you don’t like. I know that you are stronger than it. I know that you are stronger than a lot of things, but I like to think you are not stronger than me. What a fantasy.

You know, sometimes I just wish you were a person. Because when something  is physical we can touch it, we can look at it, we can see it. And when we see things they become real. But if things are in our heads, they are impossible to grab, impossible to touch, impossible to look at. Impossible to see. And that is why, they just don’t see you in me. Unless it is reality completely.

You are unique, I will give you that. You evolve with every new experience, and thought. And it is fascinating. Truly, fascinating. How you change as I change, or how I change when you change. You are like the plot twist to the horror story of my head. I didn’t see you coming. But you left me wanting more.

Because oddly, you have become addicting. When I don’t feel you I get worried, because  when I don’t feel you, I feel nothing. And I  Know, I never thought that would be possible. You. Addicting. For me. No. Because I want to get rid of you, right. But I think the scariest thing about you, and you power, is that sometimes, I don’t. Sometimes, I like the way you numb me. Sometimes this feeling, is easier than living.

I will never understand why you chose me. But I guess most bullies pick one, and I was the mind you picked. And now my once already troubled mind is gone, replaced with a newer one. You see, I never really did anything wrong. As a kid, I was always focused on making people happy, I hated when people were sad. I hated the way a person’s life could be shattered in a split second, and I hated this shitty inevitable evil, and I still do. Because I never want somebody to feel you. So I will sit here silently, and take one for the team.

I think, as much as I despise of you. I also have to credit you. You have shown me what a bad day really is, and allowed me to appreciate the good ones, even if they now only don’t last long. You have allowed me to absorb myself in that happy moment, more than I would Have before, and hold on to every last drop. You have shown me my minds worst enemy. You have shown me, me.

I wish we could join hands, and raise them to the sky. And stand united. I wish that we could just be friends, that we could just feel happiness together. I hate having an enemy. And I hate that you are that enemy. Because allies are always what makes a force stronger. I wish that we could work together, instead of living a continuous battle. I wish, I could give you your statistic. So then everyday wouldn’t just be the same, living with a feeling with no name.

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Love, Misstery