When I was younger, I used to wear bright coloured clothes, I used to make sure I would stand out in a crowd. When I was younger, I was always laughing and having fun. I would dance in my garden with my friends, like nobody was watching me. I would dance like the world didn’t matter, I had no priorities in life. I did not care about the opinions of others. I liked to make other people happy, that is one thing that has not changed, I hated when people were sad. I had always thought of human exsistance as something beautiful within itself, so I considered anybody and everybody beautiful. I loved nature, I never hid inside. The big world did not scare me, and I would talk infront of people so confidentely, that the words would poor out of my mouth like silk, no stutters or voice shakes. I did not worry about my weight, my size or my appearance. To me young mind appearance did not matter, the only thing that mattered was beauty and happiness. And I wish more than anything I could be that person for just one more day.
I had always been a little different. I was one of those kids who knew scarily too much, because I liked to know things, knowledge and education were both such beautiful things when I was younger. I got picked on, not a lot, only a few times. Because I guess even when you are younger being kind makes you vulnerable, and being vunerable means you get picked on. It makes you weak. I realised this as I got a little older, I grew this thick skin, I pretended nothing got on my nerves. So I did not seem vulnerable anymore. But things happen. I started to realise that not everybody gets nervous the way I do. I started to realise those people calling me unique and quirky would be the ones telling my do something differentely to fit in the next day. And sadly, that real shit changes you.
I did start to care about my appearance. I started to look at my role models. I started to get this eager wanting, I wanted skinny, I wanted pretty, I wanted popular, I wanted beautiful. I wanted those things. But I also knew that everybody was unique and different. I could not be those things, if I saw myself in such a negative light. I could not see myself as beautiful until I realised everybody was, and the only thing that was stopping my from rekindeling my old habit of seeing true beauty, was the society I was trapped in.
I always have had this mind, always, that is one thing that does not change . No matter how much society may have changed me, I still have my mind and my way of thinking. I have always thought a lot of things, my mind had always been this beautiful world of colour, yet I never expressed anything. I thought so much, I said nothing. I was too shy. I cared too much. I was weak, vulnerable. You see my mind may not have changed, but the things my mind thinks, they can change. And they did. This beautiful world of colour began turing sickening shades of balck and grey as I realised how truly awful this world was. People do not often expect 13 year olds to be ranting about politcs, but I did. Because I always thought about things that meant something, things that mattered. And sometimes thinking to deeply can be toxic, because you think so much about the negative things, you do not focus on the positives, and then you are just trapped in this spiral of your own mind. And you cannot escape because every corner of this world is corrupt. And I was the only kid that thought this way. I was the only kid with that mind. That never got taken away from me.
People had always told me, about how much they admired my ‘ I am opinated and don’t give a shit about what you think’ attitude. And that attitude was always something I had prided myself upon. Because I saw girl after girl and boy after boy get chucked into this visious society, I saw them change. And I promised myself I wouldn’t allow society to change me, I promised myself I would not end up like them, because I was different. But we all do things we once said we would never do.
And then society spat me out like a plastic dolly with perfect winged eyeliner, low self esteem, and the ability to cry infront of her own reflection. Oh what a wonderful world. Just like the rest of them. I started to care, I started to feel like I was not beautiful. And to this very day I sill look in the mirror and wish I could be that girl I was before, I am still opinionated YES, becuase society could not steal my mind away from me, but my ‘ I don’t care what you think’ attitude, was so almost, gone.
Nowadays I wouldn’t be seen dead in colourful unmatching clothes, going outside where poeple can look at me scares me. I hate the way I laugh, I don’t like the way my face creases when I smile. Fun is staying inside, If I dance in an empty room I still feel like people are watching me. Priorities are the only thing I can see, human exsistance is perfectly corrupt. To speak is too panic. And everything is beautiful but me, thanks to this society.
Thank you so much for reading, this post is comfusing and the meaning a little messed up, but its true, its raw emotional reality that I really hope you enjoyed reading.
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