There are many things than can take place within that one small second.In one second 3 barbie dolls are sold, 60 lipsticks are made, 6 babies are born and in one second somebody, anybody could take their life. I think as humans when we are told something, we don’t truly believe it until we see evidence or a example of the said thing happening. I have always been one too consider death and its inevitability but never did i think anybody would want to challenge this inevitability, would want to face death himself with slit wrists and a broken soul. I never thought that would happen because, at the time, i had never seen any evidence. But sadly, there would be plenty of evidence to come.
I would say it began when i was in my late years of primary school, and early years of high school. That was when i truly knew what suicide meant. That’s when i truly saw people’s attitudes towards the topic. That’s when people chucked around statements like “go kill yourself” and “go commit” like they were in a match of word tennis and they had to win. That was when i saw my first piece of evidence. I saw the reaction on a girls face when i asked her why she had scratches up her arm and i saw her plastering on that fake smile she practiced while crying in the mirror with a simple reply of “my dog scratched me” and i saw her turn away and with a sigh brush away the hurt. Just another piece of evidence.
Its hurts me, it pains me to see, the black cloud of depression, pills, anxiety and suicidal attempts. It hurts me that when i see somebody get swamped in it, i cannot see them, i cannot help. That hurts me. It is invisible.But that is the thing, it is invisible, we cannot see it, we cannot collect the evidence until it happens in front of our very eyes. So the general replies to mental illness, the general replies to suicide remain the same, carved in stone. So the little girl cries on her own and puts on that smile again when her therapist tells her “you are simply in the wrong mindset” and her teachers tell her “we are here to support you, but your grades are the most important”. While her mum tells her she is beautiful and she has nothing to worry about, but society tells her she is ugly and her imperfections begin to define her. But the evidence is hidden and safe. Until the black fog wraps itself around her then we finally realize, she wasn’t in the wrong mindset, she was hurting.
Its odd we can’t see pain, we can’t see suffering. We can’t see it until it is gone. Until we have our evidence. Then we draw the conclusion that another one is gone, so the schools make leaflets to spread awareness, and the therapists try to make those suffering depression see the light. But it still doesn’t sink in, until it happens right before our eyes. Before the stories of suicide are made into reality and we can see that black fog, Until we feel it. Then we realize it is real. Then we can try to stop it, then we can try to stop them. But its no use because in one second they are gone.
You don’t know depression is real until you sit in a crowded room and you have never felt more alone. You don’t know anxiety is real until you feel every fear take over every cell in your body. You don’t know self-harm is real until you feel the pleasure of feeling again, the pleasure of killing the numbness and you don’t know suicide is real until we see that in one second we could have saved a life as quickly as it took for somebody to take their life. If we had just seen the evidence, if we had just seen they were hurting. Maybe then they wouldn’t have to count three, two, one. Maybe then they wouldn’t be gone.
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