My writing

It won’t happen again. I tell my shaking hands and tear stained cheeks.

When i was younger i was told never to lie. I was told never to make up tales, or try to cover up something i had done wrong. And as a person i like to think i don’t. But the other day i realized, i do not lie to others. I lie to myself. I lie to myself about what i can deal with, i lie to myself when i say i can get over it and i lie to myself when i say it won’t happen again.

In life there are millions of things we cannot control. We cannot control the weather, we cannot control our minds, and we cannot control our future. And i lie to myself. I like to convince myself that i can control all of those millions of things, when in fact, i can’t. But i think convincing ourselves that we can achieve these things, gives us this addicting source of confidence. And then it is crushed, because we find out there are things we cannot control.

Just the other day i had one of those awful experiences. I had convinced myself i could control my mind, i had convinced myself this certain situation would not occur again. And when it did, my strong exterior was shattered by this thing that i just could not control. No matter how hard i would try i could not control it. And it hurt me, because i realized, i was lying to myself.

I like to think that i am the sort of person that can sit back, and not care about the fact that i cannot change the unchangeable. And i cannot control the uncontrollable, but i can’t. I think when you look at the fine details of fearing the uncontrollable it all comes down to not knowing what is going to happen. When i am put in a situation where i do not know what is going to happen, i start to fear the unchangeable, the uncontrollable. And it is the exact same when i lie to myself. I lie to myself because i am too scared to admit that i cannot control what is a part of me.

And this part of me i despise. I loathe it. But i cannot change it, and i think we all just have to accept there are things we cannot change. We should not feel a sense of disappointment when our confidence is broken by something we cannot control, we should not feel guilty that there is a part of us that may cause an issue, we should not feel like we have to lie to ourselves just because we are afraid of what may happen in the future. We should not cover up things we cannot control. We should embrace them.

Thank you so much for reading.

Please like, comment and definitely follow my blog. I just wanted to take a moment to thank those who have followed me, i cannot put into words how happy this makes me. And how happy i am to start achieving my dreams, and not let the uncontrollable stop me from doing so.

Love, Misstery.

 

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9 thoughts on “It won’t happen again. I tell my shaking hands and tear stained cheeks.

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